The days get shorter and the nights get cooler. Once tanned skin turns back to luminous white. Short skirts and thongs get replaced by jeans and boots. Strutting around nude and proud is gone- it’s flannel PJs and dressing gowns now. Yep, it’s footy season again. And as always this means that The Footy Show is back.

 Both of them – the NSW/NRL & VIC/AFL Versions. Sam Newman’s face is tighter than a snare drum. His face has been stretched and botoxed so much that his eyes are now on the side of his head. He’s also (mysteriously) blonde. So when thinking of him, think of a hammer head shark with a dye job that any bimbo would be happy with. Paul “Fatty” Vautin lives up to his nickname with a head as large and rectangular as a actual rugby ground, so big it’s weighing down on a neck which he seemingly doesn’t seem to possess.

I must confess, I have lost interest, not just in the shows, but in football in general. Once it became big business and the suits took over, I lost my connection. I preferred standing in the mud, rain pouring down, watching my team get thrashed week in week out, with a warm beer in one hand, a smoke in the other, surrounded by mates. I STILL hate the idea of watching football with a roof over my head. Modern players have lost me too. Preening, posing, self-absorbed over paid and over waxed. I like me players sweaty and hairy, I does. Much like I liked the wrestler George “The Animal” Steele in the 80’s – ugly, mean and hairy. But really, I grew up. It all seems so silly to me now to be so fanatical about buffed, wealthy, arrogant young men. Boy, it sucks to be a grumpy old fella, huh?

The most surprising difference I have noticed this season (so far) is that the Victorian show is worse than ever, if that can be possible. Trevor Marmalade is gone, and not too many people seem to miss him. Particularly when that means more fart and poo jokes and the embarrassing Shane Crawford gets more air time to pull his pants down. Newman is relied on more and more to hold the show together, but even he cannot manage it over two hours.

 

A big difference I have noticed in the NSW show is how sombre it all is. The lighting would be more suited to the old ABC chestnut of yesteryear, “Mastermind” – it’s all so serious. Unless i missed something, I haven’t seen one burly, hairy, dumb-dumb dressed as a woman yet. Of course, its early days. Heck, the other week, the 3 main men (Vauton, etc and etc) stood front to camera bemoaning the grog culture and drunken violence that has plagued Rugby League lately. It sure is “bizarre-o world” when the NSW show is the serious, thought provoking, mature show and the Victorian version has been reduced to rubble. Even more so, considering what a drunken bum Fatty was. Or is. Or could be. Or, lets face it, would love to be. Hey, every night is “pie night”!

The rugby show actually talks about the game. They actually seem to still like it, whereas the Victorian version is all about Newman; who he can insult and what he can get away with. It’s desperation stuff, and he knows it too. The “Street talk” segment is as fake and boring as ever, but even the morons in the audience, who used to lap it all up, are silent. A recent ”street talk” segment in Melbourne’s northern suburbs was cringe worthy enough, but even more so when I realised the studio audience didn’t laugh once. How long until a laugh track is used? Newman still makes a point of interviewing “interesting” people. IE: People with disabilities. By contrast, the NSW shows interaction with the public is a lot gentler and people friendly.

Now, to the football. Well, the Victorian show never worried about that, and still doesn’t. For many years they were denied use of footage, so they worked around it. For a short time, they did have access, but that has once again gone to other channels, so once again, we get more footballers discussing the game. And here is the Victorian footy show’s main weakness. The players they get are so dull, so dumb, so bland. Any joke or quip is so obviously scripted, so pre-planned that all humour is gone. The real woeful part of it all is that even though the “panel” might only get one joke/quip each, usually aimed at or reliant on Newman to give a punchline, they still manage to fluff it. There is something oddly delicious watching knuckleheads trying to read a little card in front of him and trying to look spontaneous. The noticeable thing on both shows is how uncomfortable most of the players look whilst wearing suits. Reminds me of nervous kids going to their first school dance and trying in vain to keep the tie straight.

Yeah, these sure are strange days. Shane Crawford and Sam Newman compete to see who will drop who’s trousers the most. Newman’s boredom with, and even hatred of (his words!) Aussie Rules football is obvious. He no longer knows what he is talking about. The NSW show, so long a boozy, cave-man type of show, has really changed. If one is interested in Rugby, one will get some good up to date information. Vautin, certainly no Eddie McGuire, is never the less a personable host. He seems to have relaxed, calmed down, lost his agro, and gotten over any personal issues he had a few years ago. He is still a likeable rogue, an average Aussie ocker type, but he has improved markedly. Not so for Victoria’s hosting duo of James Brayshaw and Gary Lyon. Lyon has gone in for the “Channel 9” upgrade too. His hair dyed a deep, shoe shine black. Teeth newly capped and blinding white. Brayshaw is hyper as ever. And as annoying as ever. I lost count how many times he said “ladies and gentlemen” during the show. Apart from Newman’s blonde rinse, and Billy Brownless’s massive gut, it was maybe the single most annoying factor of the show. Did I mention Shane Crawford?

There have been rumours circulating for quite some time that the NSW show would/could be axed. The ratings didn’t justify the cost. The new direction in 2009 might alleviate that risk. Production costs have been obviously trimmed. There’s not as much razzamatazz. They’ve saved a lot on the electricity bill alone judging by how dark the set is now. The Victoria show is still a ratings blockbuster, and probably not in any real danger. A serious slump occurred last year, but once again, there’s always Newman to conjure up some outrage to boost ratings. It’s worked for years, and always will. The public are always dumb. What’s that about a sucker being born every minute? It’s not rocket science, and rocket scientists are not watching.

I suppose it could be worse. There could be a cricket show.

For details on both Footy Shows, check out the website here!

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